The Tale of the Elephant Tail
It is well known that people of means prove their status in society by indulging in luxuries that few can afford. Some may prefer an over-priced artwork by a master, while the more adventurous among us will no doubt include an elephant hunt on their bucket list. Rest assured that, despite some protests by animal activists, the elephant trophy hunt remains a reputable recreation that ensures a balanced ecology while allowing participants to become fully immersed in nature to experience their deepest selves.
Elephants are the world’s largest terrestrial mammal and are divided into the more common African Savanna Elephant and the African Forest Elephant. Elephants can be hunted in 8 African countries, including Botswana. Botswana is your best destination because it has the highest concentration of elephants and Smiling Elephant’s big game expeditions always ensure a handsome trophy.
Smiling Elephant’s English-speaking Tswanan guide, Joe “one who swats flies” Phukuntsi uses experienced Limpopo Province trackers to find fresh spoor as he drives the jeep into one of the park’s attractive trophy zones. These natural coves prevent escape and guarantee you, Smiling Elephant’s cherished partner-client, a trophy as part of your package tour. Elephants are generally shot at close range, which means arduous walk-&-stalk methods requiring patience, endurance and resourcefulness. People with health issues will want to ensure they are in adequate shape beforehand because elephants are smart and can smell you miles away. Are you unsure of your aim with a gun that fires such a high-calibre bullet? Joe is trained to help steady your aim to ensure a quick and humane kill.
After a successful hunt, the negotiation begins regarding which parts of the animal will be shipped home – tusk ivory is prohibited and so the head, the elephant foot transformed into an exotic foot-stool, for instance, and, of course the full photo-video packet provided in an authentic impala leather valise are all attractive souvenirs.
Recent hunt trends, however, reveal that the elephant’s tail has become the single most coveted part of the elephant. This comes in response to new export restrictions on ivory and renewed interest in tribal traditions.
The tail is slender, lightweight, portable, fitting into most people’s luggage. It is also very exotic and handsome, guaranteed to provoke many exciting tales.
Hunters will love the elephant-hunting rituals that will be performed nightly by campfire at the Smiling Elephant Hunt Compound. The rituals require a local tribal member with shamanistic powers to cut off the trophy’s tail using a modern steel version of the traditional “Loxodonta Africana” hunting knife, which is, of course, no longer made of ivory but of tempered steel.
After the ritual, the tail is carefully wrapped in a leather pouch lined with elephant fat to prevent it from molding or stiffening. Upon one’s return home, the partner, usually the wife, will return to her yoga classes with the leather pouch containing the tail. Most professional yoga instructors are well aware of the elephant tail ritual.
During class, the instructor will help the client progress into an advanced Wheel Barrow pose [on one’s back, maintaining a bowl-like curvature of the spine]. In this pose the client will take the cut or fatter end of the tail into his or her mouth, stretch the tail until it is held in place by the insides of the heels pressed together. This is the strenuous Elephant Tail Stretch, a variation of the Wheel Barrow.
It is not for the faint-hearted, as the pose must be maintained for a full 90 minutes at the time of the full moon, during which time several yogi trainees, knowledgeable of shamanistic practices, will take ritual brushes made of Great Silverback Highland Gorilla hair [ideally taken from living alpha males] and dip them in a special urine solution used in standard tanning processes. Some recommend the most personal of urines, one’s own, as it is known to have special attributes. But cow or other livestock urine is fine. The trainees continuously apply rhythmic strokes of cow urine brushed along the full length of the tail. The tail stretching process requires not only the total attention of the client but also rhythmic sucking of the tail end allowing extraction of the magical marrow that many claim has healing properties.
The tail will in this 90-minute session of regular brushing and stretching begin to harden until it becomes noticeably walking-stick straight and sturdy. The tail must be allowed to dry for a full week in early morning, east-facing sunshine, until it is fully tempered, stiff and set. Many will have a carved agate handle mounted on the cut-end of the tail, will remove the black tail hairs with the ritual “Loxodonta” to finish their own unique walking stick. All of this MUST occur during the time of the full moon – no exceptions because, it is said, that the full moon has a profound influence on bodily fluid flow plus the tail will not properly set if performed outside the full moon cycle, creating annoying limpness or an unfortunate bend that will render the walking stick useless.
There are many stories involving the magic of the elephant tail. One of the most famous is the story of Hasting Wit, a South African salesman who survived the sinking of the Titanic in 1912 because he’d leaped over the side, clutching his long, air-tight, double-chambered, colporteur case filled with 20 elephant tails he hoped to find a buyer for on the East Coast of America. His survival was ensured not only by the makeshift wooden flotation device but also because he figured out he could suck sustenance from the elephant tails’ bone marrow, which contains a drinkable fluid and is high in calories, fat, protein, and numerous vitamins.
Smiling Elephant’s 10-day trophy hunt $30,000, 18-day trophy hunt $45,000, depending on tusk size [not transportable due to customs restrictions]. Package includes: guaranteed trophy, accommodation, transport on territory, airport pickup, guide, field trophy prep, trackers and skinners, hunting license, 3 meals daily, unlimited beverages and alcohol, taxidermy, staff tips, gun rental and ammunition, insurance, photo sessions with your trophy including special sets and props such as silk cravats [private-hire cameraman is $300 per day extra]. Each photo is guaranteed to bristle with masculinity, pride, and your love of life. The package tour fee is nonrefundable regardless of how early one bags his or her trophy. Our client is our nobility, so we guarantee a pleasant and memorable experience on a royal scale.
With expert assistance from Brad “Keen-Eye” White